christmas day....yay?

Here i am....sitting in a dark room (everyone else is sleep) on the computer jotting down all of my feelings to this here blog. I have just been a complete debby downer today. Just not feeling the "christmas spirit" at all.
It's just NOT in me.
"what's wrong" "nothing"
"you alright?" "does it look like i'm alright"
"SMILE" "-__-"
that's basicallly been my day...(smh)
is it me? am i the problem?.....or is it not my fault that i just cant seem to be happy today.

I'm texting my friend (well a dude i kinda used to talk to)....he's one of the one's on my list i definetly do NOT deserve. After me and my ex broke up about jan. of last year i started talking to him. (He's so sweet)
At first i liked him and we went out but it only lasted a week because i didn't feel "attracted" to him. (AM I HORRIBLE...OR WHAT?) So i broke it off but instead (to not hurt his feelings) todd him that i wasn't ready. So....this dude has stayed by my side and waited for me (even though i knew it was never really going to happen). He would've been like the most perfect long term boyfriend. So...finally i told him i just liked him as a friend and this dude (being the awesome forgiving person he is) still is my friend and it still there whenever i need him. i love him for that and i DEFINETLY do not deserve him.

Well since i'm on a streak i'll tell you about the other dude i definetly do not deserve. My best dude friend is the most outgoing, fun loving, wonderful, spirited, just down to earth person i know. I love him like ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY love him. (even though i've never told him that). Me and him went out my 8th grade year for like a couple of months (nobody knows but he was my first boyfriend....I know i was late at the whole couple thing but whatever)...we always knew(even after we broke up) we would also be close because we just always had that type of connection...he's like our personalities are perfect for eachother...Ever since 8th grade we haven't gon long without talking to eachother. we can go months w/o contact but as soon as we text or get together it's like we were never apart. And never like on a sexual level we just like eachother company and can talk about anything for HOURS. He's the person i can go to for anything. To be honest i feel as though he'll ALWAYS be there for me (as a friend and as a boyfriend) I feel like whenever i'm ready to start a relationship again...he'll be down. and truthfully i feel as if i've already found my soulmate like i can see this dude as my actual husband one day. That's why right now i just feel we need to remain friends and have the fun and experience life and singles and then later on down the road when the time is right........or maybe it's just me being lost in the romantic movie world filled with false hopes and dreams..and maybe i just need to be more focused on now than the future...idk

Well i  just went on a rant about these two guys..huh? i guess once i get started i can't stop(well i can stop but you know what i mean) comment and tell me what you think about these two guys based on what i've told you...give me some insight you know i need.

just.....christmas

well....MERRY CHRISTMAS to all you happy, MERRY, bubbly folks out there.. for people who are feeling like i am just..........christmas -__-

I am just in the worse mood, i can't go into detail at this moment because i don't have time but just know my christmas is probably one of the worst i've ever had.

I've had a meltdown.....a heart to heart.....and another meltdown.....and here i am venting to you guys.
Everything just doesn't feel like christmas....it's like almost the opposite....
It's just ALL wrong.
then again my LIFE is just all wrong right now so what can i say........
until next time...

thinking cap...please

my brother said (and i quote)
"not everybody deserves love"

*pause*

this has got me confused, bewildered...... HELL speechless ( and do you understand how HARD that is to make me speechless)
it's got me thinking.....do you EARN love? is it like a treat..when you do good you finally get it but when you do bad do you heartbroken or you just don't experience it all?

what's LIFE without LOVE....nothing right?
everybody deserves life (at least the chance at life) then everyone deserves love (that's the best way i can attempt to explain my side of it or at least try to make sense of it)
what do you have to do to NOT deserve love..(lightbulb)..the same thing you have to do to NOT deserve life (?????)

*pause*

does this make sense?...or do i sound crazy
am i just overthinking this thing....or is it that complicated
ANSWER ME !

home alone -__-

well i've been watching movies ALL day. Netflix has been my only company throughout the day and i can safely say it's been alright. just me, the couch, some snacks, and netflix. Sometimes you just need to take a day off and chill, kick your feet up and relax. I just took my phone and put it up under a pillow (not like anyone was calling me anyways). I was supposed to be in school but since im such a bad-ass *cough cough* i skipped. Yep. Just waited untill my mom left for work, dropped my brother off at the bus stop, and stayed home (hard work right??). Sometimes i just get into these funks where i don't feel like doing anything, talking to anyone, just thinking or sleeping or just doing nothing period. I just want to wallow in my misery and i feel that's perfectly fine. I feel as if everyone should have that time to themselves to cry and wonder and question why things happen because without it we would never truly understand how to move on and let go. Sometimes when you just sit in silence and think things over the clarity and understanding comes quicker than ever before. People can tell you all they want but until you realize it for yourself NOTHING will change. Everyone has a different way of dealing with problems, i usually sleep. I know it's weird but it works for me. See until i got this blog here there was no way for me to get out my feelings, i have a best friend but she's not the type i feel comfortable telling everything to. She's better with cheering me up not helping me actually deal with problems. Then there's my mom, i love her with everything i have but she's not the best with sharing problems with either because sooner or later the whole family will know my problems and then it's just down hill from there ( i've learned the hard way). I've just adapted and learned how to deal with things by myself (until i find someone whom i can trust to share some of the load) but until then here's my way. When i get frustrated and need to "talk" i think to myself all the things i would say to someone else, then i might give myself encouragement (a little pep talk if you must {might take up to an hour}) so after than i'm probably cried out and tired so i sleep it off...by the time i wake i'm over it or just accepted it to the point where im ok (whatever that is.) My way isn't exactly perfect and my problems don't exactly get fixed or dealt with but it's the best i can do and it'll work FOR NOW
CHALLENGE: comment how you cope with your problems
(does it ACTUALLY work OR like me you're just tryna get by)

longing for love.....isn't everybody?

You know how when you want something SO bad you'll do whatever it takes to get it. You long and breathe just for that one thing. Whatever you do you do it just because it MIGHT move you one tiny step closer to getting what you want. I know I'm not the only victom to this incredibly aganizing, wonderful, a little overated, precious thing called love. I want it, do you? Actually it's all I've wanted for a while now. I'm tired being the loner girl, the good friend that people take advantage of, the one you call when you're bored or when you need help on a project. I want to be the girl you wait by the phone for. Instead it's me waiting by the phone. I can't tell you how many guys I've liked ( most actually within my league) and they've turned me down ( some verbally and others just ignored the obvious fact that i even liked them, which sounds easier to handle but it's not.) REJECTION IS STILL REJECTION. And it doesn't matter how many hairstyles i wear or how good my outfits and fashion sense is, I'm still the girl you call "FRIEND". I know it's not their fault because i've turned some completely awesome guys down too. (which i COMPLETELY feel awful about.) They treated me so much better than how i treated them. I think fate is waiting for me to get right before it lets me have "mr. right". I definetly have some things i need to work on so here's my list (don't judge me.)
1. I care ENTIRELY too much about appearance and repretation
(I'm so completely worried of what others say I'm missing out on possible love)
2. I need to start expressing my feelings
( everytime i don't want to hurt someone's feelings i shut down. When i say i don't know i usually know and just don't want to say )
3. get back in the groove
(when i get knocked down i need to get back up NOT STAY DOWN. )
OK..so there's my list and MY FIRST POST (yay!!) (fireworks) (cheering) (clapping)
CHALLENGE:  make your own list !
..be honest because that's the only way you can truly suceed and find that special somebody.